I'm not much of a ladies man. Never was. In fact, I never even kissed a girl until I was 13 years old. She was my first girlfriend...
If I was an Ancient Egyptian, I think my biggest fear would be getting mummified alive. One time I fell asleep behind the wheel and had...
If I was an Ancient Egyptian, I think my biggest fear would be getting mummified alive.
One time I fell asleep behind the wheel and had a vivid dream I ran over a bunch of people. I was so glad when I woke up to find out it was only a dog.
Don't ever underestimate the power of a Get Well soon card. It could really give someone a bad paper cut.
I love to go window shopping but now I have a house full of windows.
Whenever I go to a magic show I am always in disbelief that these magicians can make any money at all.
My heart goes out to everyone out there that needs a heart transplant.
I always embarrass myself at family reunions, especially if I'm not related to them.
Whenever someone tells me they're a cat person, I just think to myself how crazy that sounds. I would've sneezed.
They say if you're nervous to just start picturing everyone naked, but that's kind of hard to do at an orgy.
My girlfriend's thighs haven't touched ever since I disembodied her.
The other day I got into a car accident, but it was tough to do because all the seats were taken.
My father never laid a hand on me. It was mostly his penis.
As a kid, my father told me I could do anything I wanted. To him.
One of my friends told me she had lost a baby. I told her it couldn't have gone that far.
Talking about politics and world events is a lot like handling a ticking time bomb. You don't know what the hell you're doing and t...
If you're a freelance writer, you get most of your work done from home. Everyday you sit down on your bed, at a table or desk, and eve...
With so many liquids moving around laptops, it's a surprise more laptops aren't getting ruined. But I'm trying to get that number up. I just tell the laptop owner that it looked like his was overheating. Also, make sure to never visit the same coffee shop twice because you'll probably get banned for life for following any of this advice.
If you're stuck living at home with your parents for whatever reason, I'm here to teach you how to make the best of a most depressin...
LACK OF PRIVACY
One of, if not, the worst thing about living with your parents is the lack of privacy. Sure, you can tolerate your parents for a while, but you also need some alone time to live your own life. Sex, for example, can be a tricky thing to pull off in a close-quartered home. In order to avoid my parents hearing me and my girlfriend have sex, I just put porn on in the background and turn it all the way up.
Living at home with your parents means following their house rules. You'll often receive unwanted life advice and begin to feel like a kid again. Their judgement is inevitable, but there are ways to skirt around this issue. For example, every now and then you'll want to go out drinking with your friends at the local watering hole. Nobody wants to deal with disapproving looks when they come home drunk. What I suggest is getting blackout drunk so you won't have to remember any of it.
Let's face it. The only reason you're living at home is because you're strapped for cash. I mean, why else would you be staying there, by choice? To compensate for being a failure, you'll take on the de-facto responsibility of doing household chores. You also won't be able to spend as much on superfluous activities. Make sure to allocate enough money to the things you really need. I always have enough to sustain myself on the five major drink groups: beer, whiskey, vodka, wine, and rum.
Even though you may be having a blast moving back in with your parents, you do not want to overstay your welcome. I mean, isn't 18 years long enough for your parents to pretend to care about you.
You may think you have a good relationship with your significant other, but you don't. You're making a bunch of rookie mistakes and ...
SPEND TIME APART
You and your partner should explore separate interests to develop a healthy relationship. I can completely understand if my partner doesn't want to go out with me to cheat on her.
GIVE HER FLOWERS
Even if she's allergic to them, give her flowers. Everyone likes flowers.
GIVE HER MASSAGES
Not only will you be kneading her stress away, but most importantly, you get to touch her naked body.
My girlfriend's a vegetarian, but I'm not. The deal is that we eat vegetarian-friendly meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and I get to resent her for the rest of my life.
No person will take you seriously if you always fall through with your promises. That's why I never make any.
ASK HER ABOUT HER DAY
Let's face it. You'll never remember her coworker's names or even understand what exactly she does at work. You can still pretend to care by nodding consistently through her stories.
Some people think chivalry is dead, but I always open the car door for my girlfriend, and then push her out while going 50 on the freeway.
BUY HER SNACKS
Always have her favorite snacks and/or munchies around. If you ever feel like you're about to get in an argument, just whip out those tasty morsels and all will be well. A hangry girlfriend can be dangerous to one's health according to the Surgeon General.
KNOW HER INTERESTS
Always be aware of her likes and dislikes in terms of everything. It will make it easier for you to shop for gifts on special occasions. Sneak into her social media accounts if you have to.
If your girlfriend is one of the many idiots claiming she doesn't like surprises, tough luck. The world is full of surprises. We never though Donald Trump would be elected president and look what happened. Not only will you teach her a valuable life lesson, but she'll enjoy that you're being spontaneous.
Even if you thought of the perfect joke about the outfit she's wearing, don't say it. You should just tell her that she looks beautiful instead of making fun of her wide-leg pants.
Being the perfect boyfriend isn't easy. In fact, most boyfriends out there are worthless, unlike me. I've been happily in a relationship for a little over 4 years and I have no regrets. If you follow these simple tips, you too can also make your girlfriend think you are a true gentleman even though you aren't.
If you're reading this, you're probably thinking about going into the highly unglamorous world of freelance copywriting. For thos...
If you're reading this, you're probably thinking about going into the highly unglamorous world of freelance copywriting. For those of you that don't know what "copywriting" is, it's essentially the equivalent of working in a modern day sweatshop.
Some companies won't pay you at all and make up for their shitty pay by giving you all-you-can-eat gummy bears and free poison/aka beer. Going into freelance copywriting is just as exciting as watching paint dry for the rest of your life.
First of all, you'll be writing for brands you could not care less about. These companies expect that a few catchy headlines will make up for their horrible business model and highly incompetent employees.
The horrors of being a copywriter are compounded if you work in an agency. Just like a family, you'll be forced to interact with people you barely respect. And worst of all, everyone else feels like they can do what you are doing.
Writing requires a lot of quiet planning which can be difficult in an open office space. Even headphones are futile against the thundering foot stomps around you. You'll hear the term "SEO" tossed around so many times you think you've gone crazy. A marketing agency is where good writing goes to die.
Working remotely can also have its perils. You're at the beck and call of your editor who wants to get a beer sometime for some fucking reason. Don't fall prey to the freelance copywriting machine. Instead, write for yourself and work some other shitty job on the side.