AN OPEN LETTER TO KAABOO

Dear Kaaboo, If you don't know me, you're about to. Let's just say I'm that bad boy genius writer the internet has been ta...

Dear Kaaboo,

If you don't know me, you're about to. Let's just say I'm that bad boy genius writer the internet has been talking about. People also know me as an avid music festival basher. I can't help it, mainly because I hate people. I'm still not sure if I'm agoraphobic or just lazy. Anyway, back to my point. Music festivals suck. Some, however, suck less than others. Some suck a few years and then stop sucking then start sucking again. I can only describe this year's Kaaboo as #Kaabooghazi. Last year, I was singing a different tune, from what I can remember of it. What can I say? I just love to binge watch other people binge drink. There were so many rich, old white people at the festival that it started to look like a Trump rally. The festival grounds looked like a really luxe country club that just let any pleb in. Now, I don't discriminate. I think everyone's a douchebag. It seems like being an asshole is a requirement to attend one of these things. These festivals are just an excuse for bro's to grope women and bro-ette's to grope themselves. Everyone there works tirelessly to achieve the perfect summer body just to get laid at these events. Speaking of, why is it that there's plenty of articles online on how to get a summer body, but nothing on where to bury it? What's up with that? I eat a mainly vegetarian diet. The only reason I still eat meat is because I couldn't see myself living a life without pissing off vegans. I currently have my girlfriend on the Paleo diet, however. There's just something so attractive about her dying before her 40s. Anyway, back to your festival, Kaaboo. What kind of name is Kaaboo, anyway? More like, Kaa-boo, As in I'm booing your festival. I heard Saturday was a bust and a near riot broke out. I won't hold it against you. You're a new festival. You're experiencing some growing pains. There were some shining moments like the alleged incident where police pepper sprayed a man. Who doesn't need to spice up their life every once in a while? Am I right? Another good thing about your festival was the comedian lineup. Doug Benson was there, barely. As for food, it was a glutton's paradise, except for one thing: the kettle corn stand. Can we all stop pretending that kettle corn is delicious? Wake up, people. By the third day of your festival, I had come down with the cold so I couldn't attend. But then again, I'm a hypochondriac, so I always think I'm sick as fuck. So the question looms, will I be attending next year? If I continue to see blatant drug use among teens, scantily clad women parading their bodies around, and dangerous levels of pedestrian bottlenecks between stages, you can count me in.

All the worst,

Fred

P.S. Here's a photo diary of your shining moments

kaaboo, lawrence taylor

kaaboo


kaaboo, bang pow

kaaboo

kaaboo artwork

kaaboo artwork

palm trees

kaaboo, doug benson

kaaboo, fall out boy, pete wentz

kaaboo, the verigolds

kaaboo, matt costa

kaaboo

kaaboo, rooney

kaaboo, aerosmith, steven tyler

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