THE TRUTH BEHIND THE ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD PITT DIVORCE

As many of you assholes already know, Hollywood's quintessential "it couple" are getting a divorce. After the news of their sp...

As many of you assholes already know, Hollywood's quintessential "it couple" are getting a divorce. After the news of their split broke, an "insider" told a cheesy gossip magazine that Brad was beside himself, crying his eyes out, and heartbroken. If you ask me, that "insider" is one shitty friend.

I'm here to dispel all the rumors and put an end to this discussion once and for all. The REAL reason Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt divorced is... because of me. That's right. You heard it here first. She read one of my blog posts, emailed me immediately, and just to had to fly out cross-country to meet me. We've been inseparable ever since.

angelina jolie and brad pitt

I can't say that I'd never dreamed of this day. Ever since she married Billy Bob Thornton, I knew ANYBODY had a chance with her, including me. Angie and I went out on a couple of dates a few weeks ago and hit it off immediately. I'll admit, I had been out of the game for far too long so I didn't know how many dates to wait before I started stalking her.

This entire situation worked out perfectly for my girlfriend, Carmen. Now, she can finally go pursue her long-time crush on Victor Garber. I mean, she would already yell out his name during sex. I tried to make the relationship work with Carmen. I even tried to spice up our sex life by feeding her chocolate-covered jalapeños, but that turned out to be a disaster.

I can be a better person with Angie. I like that she is a humanitarian and fights for women's rights. I ,for one, have been speaking out against these injustices for a long time. For example, I always thought we needed more diversity in women's daytime talk shows. There's always a black woman, an Asian woman, a white woman, but never a smart one.

That's why Angie and I connect so well together. We bring out the best in each other. She constantly tells me how much better I am in bed than Brad. Because of her six kids, however, she asks me to pull out when we're having sex. So, I always pull out, right after coming inside of her. I'm a romantic. What can I say?

I do have some exciting news, however. Despite the extra precautions we take during sex, Angie is officially pregnant! We don't want to know the gender of the baby, so we're just going to abort it. That's how cool Angie is. She even lets me watch porn: hentai porn, that is. I love it because at least these women have an excuse for having fake breasts.

Like any other relationship, Angie and I have recently been stuck in a rut. I mean, all we ever do is have sex. I guess I'm just living the high life for as long as I can. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Now, if I could only get with Sky Ferreira. She's my favorite porn star.

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