HOW TO BE A STAND-UP COMIC. DON'T

Let's face it. You're not funny. Nobody thinks you're funny. People only laugh at your jokes to fill the awkward silence after y...

Let's face it. You're not funny. Nobody thinks you're funny. People only laugh at your jokes to fill the awkward silence after you tell them. Some people, however, make a living convincing others that their jokes are hilarious. This is what we call the modern stand-up comedian, or "comic" as they prefer to be called. They go around repeating the same tired jokes over and over again like some sort of annoying uncle at family reunions who keeps asking you to pull his finger.

Unlike yourselves, however, I was born with an affinity for humor. I once told a joke that was so funny that the guy I told it to ended up with broken ribs. He didn't laugh so I broke his ribs. These modern day comics, however, aren't even good at what they're supposed to do. They're like the paraplegic hookers of the comedy world.


And these comics are always standing up as if it were some sort of stamina and balance competition. We aren't in the Olympics. But these comedy venues always have the nightclub staple, the stool, right there on stage just in case the comics get winded. The stool is the perfect metaphor for what pieces of unfunny shit these comedians are.

I have to bring up those inane podcasts done by famous comedians. All it is is a bunch of comics circle jerking each other, asking and answering the same questions over and over again like some sort of comedy purgatory. These comedy podcasts rarely tell the guests when the interview is starting making for a hacky running bit across all podcasts.

Let's not forget the saddest group of comedians, the ones that practice self deprecating humor. Often, these jokes at their own expense are really just an excuse to keep being unfunny and fat. Probably even worse is the political stand-up comic. All they are is failed politicians who are unlikeable and wasted years and money going to art school. They're usually wrong about every single political issue.

One of the worst things a comic can do, however, is traipse into the ever-boring world of improv comedy troupes. The only reason anybody ever goes to these improv shows is because they're either dirt cheap or free. Improv shows are a great place to take a first date on, though. Your date will think your sense of humor is so much better in comparison to the abysmal show you'll inevitably watch.

Of course, when you go to a venue specifically made for comedy shows, they'll have a two drink minimum cover charge. They know full well that nobody in their right, sober mind would laugh at these unoriginal jokes. That's why venues need an opening act. They need to have the audience wasted by the time the headliner comes on.

There should actually be a show like Bar Rescue but for comedians. I'd be the host but I think most of these cases are hopeless. So, if you want to be a stand-up comic. Don't. There's already enough assholes pretending like they're funny in the world, especially in the work place. Stop re-telling that joke you heard on tv. Leave it to the professional, being me.

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