MISADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING

My family is the worst; they exist. On the rare occasion, however, I will do something nice for them. I'm actually a good guy, once you ...

My family is the worst; they exist. On the rare occasion, however, I will do something nice for them. I'm actually a good guy, once you get past all the put downs. Having little nieces and nephews has strengthened my nurturing skills. For example, I can stop a crying baby in a matter of one, maybe two punches.

I'm actually great with kids. But I wasn't always. In fact, I hated kids so much that I hated myself as a kid. That all ended when my niece was born. On her first birthday I spared no expense on her gift which is why I didn't get her anything. I'm not sure if I ever want kids, though. I'll just keep lying to my girlfriend that I do so she keeps letting me have sex with her.


On the plus side, I have been learning how to be a better babysitter and all-around renaissance man. I've enough craft projects to know that there is one thing that people of all ages can enjoy: a glue stick. While she's carefully using it to hold up her DIY jewelry stand, I use it as an inhalant. I love these bonding moments.

Nowadays, however, kids are glued to their iPads. And thank god. Imagine how exhausting it would be to actually engage with them for hours on end. I try to break up our time with different activities like having them do extensive manual labor. That way, they are wiped out when nap time comes. I like to use that time to finish any writing I need to do, make myself something to eat, or just simply leave them unattended.

When it comes to food, the more processed it is, the better. Make sure there is no expiration date on the packaging. You will, however, need to include some vegetables into their meal. Getting them to eat these unappetizing morsels won't be easy. There's one simple hack to get them to eat vegetables, though: force-feed it to them. Works like a charm with minimal permanent physical damage.


Kids will lie. A lot. They will avoid anything remotely unpleasant by all means. They'll fake a stomach ache when they don't want to eat their broccoli. They'll let the bathroom faucet run to make it sound like they're washing their hands. They lie and say their back hurts after I make them carry that 50 pound sack of rocks just so they can get out of vacuuming my room.

My nieces and nephews also like to watch movies. I usually put on the classics like The Lion King, Alladin, and, of course, Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection. The movie we've watched the most amount of times, however, is Frozen. I can't tell you the amount of times I had to listen to "Let it Go," just because my niece wanted to do a punk cover of it.

I like to teach them things, too. Like the other day, I took them to a casino that was full of overweight people and we got kicked out for counting calories. Sometimes, I will smoke the occasional joint in front of them. My doctor recommended it to treat the pain in my head when I have to talk to anybody. But don't think I'm a bad babysitter. I share with them.


The moment finally comes when my sister enters through the front door and her kids go running up to her to give her a hug. She tells them that it's time to go and they run back to me and hold my leg while laughing. I try to walk but they weigh too much and no matter how many times I kick my leg against the corner of a wall, they still hang on. That moment makes it all worth it.

I guess I'm just a nice guy like that. I'm the type of guy that whenever he see's an old lady trying to cross the street, he runs up to her, without fail, and takes her purse. It's in my blood. I don't do these things to get anything in return. I do them because I like to help people, help me.

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