Keen Impressions

Whenever I see an old lady struggling to cross the street, I go out of my way to steal her purse.

I live in an apartment right now. The owners haven't caught me yet.

I drink like a fish with a drinking problem.

I always get the sneaking suspicion that I'm watching someone.

I once did acid and woke up in Mexico. I lived there at the time.

I love to binge watch other people binge drink.

I think there needs to be more diversity in daytime women's talk shows. There's always a black one, an Asian one, and a white one on the panel, but never a smart one.

I'm a pretty reasonable and understanding guy. If my jokes offend even just one person, I'm happy.