Vast Apathy

I was searching for some creative writing pieces to post on here and came across this ephemeral flash of anxious drivel I had wr...

I was searching for some creative writing pieces to post on here and came across this ephemeral flash of anxious drivel I had written who knows how long ago in my seldom-used Tumblr drafts. I decided to post it in full along with my thoughts on how perspective can change our entire outlook on life. Whether you are depressed, anxious, worried, tired, bored, jealous, envious, or feeling any harmful negative emotions, framing your flaws as simply areas in need of improvement can dramatically ease the burden and give you motivation to improve. Also, I've found that focusing on other people more than yourself can distract us from negative thought loops and instill sympathy toward others and ourselves. So without further adieu, here's the entry followed with my reflections on it.

"Vast Apathy"
I sit alone in the office. I’m typing away, wondering if this computer is set up to recognize key strokes. My paranoia is always with me. It’s a mute passenger that pokes and disturbs me as I focus on the everyday minutiae. I am not satisfied. I don’t know what I want. To quote a Woody Allen movie, I only know what I don’t want. Every moment is overwhelming. The doubt is always there. I can only control it in instances, but then I worry that the lack of reflection is only my impulsiveness unleashed. The balancing act is hard to maintain. It’s frightening to think about the future. Success is all that is on my mind but there’s a contradiction to that need for recognition. It all seems so meaningless. I can’t put it into words. I feel empty. No amount of success can fill that void. I’m always trying to guess at my life’s narrative and it’s depressing. I know that there will be heartbreak and that my courage and confidence will waver and it all seems like it isn’t worth it. It’s getting harder and harder to continue living like this. I just want to black out during conversations because it’s easier than faking interest. The apathy feels vast but how can a lack of something feel like a whole lot of painful nothingness?

Reflections: Creating inspired work in a vacuum breeds complacency and selfishness. Although I still enjoy taking full control of my creative pursuits, I now seek experiences with others to fuel my inspiration. My thoughts mainly revolved around what I wanted and what was best for me. I was fascinated by my own problems to an extent. I was living in a me-against-the-world fantasy. I wasn't applauding my own achievements because there was always something else to work on. I realized that everyone is dealing with their own set of issues. My search for comfort led me to adopt radical philosophies of life. The key is to step out of your comfort zone at any cost, all while being responsible and not harming any one. Through new experiences you make mistakes, you learn from them and then you can work on improving on these areas. Of course, there are reasonable times where sadness is normal like during the death of a loved one or during some major health crisis but at a certain point we need to move on and start living our lives. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and pour it on life's pants so people think it peed itself.

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