How to Write Better (Part 1 of 2)

I don't like to write at coffee shops because I'm self-conscious that other people will look over my shoulder and judge my work. Nev...

I don't like to write at coffee shops because I'm self-conscious that other people will look over my shoulder and judge my work. Nevertheless, I'm writing this at a coffee shop and I'm going to blow this entire place to pieces. But before I do that, I'd like to learn you guys a thing or two.

I've recently noticed a lot of bloggers, journalists, and so-called academics writing nothing but drivel. I'm here today to be your savior. I'm here to quell your fears and show you how to become a less awful writer. Far too many people shy away from putting pen to paper simply because they think they're not good at it. And they would be right. But I'm here to help.

I'll be answering the age-old question: Are we human or are we writer? The answer? Both. From the cavemen who scribbled and etched on cavern walls to the spam robots sending out emails about male enhancement pills, language and writing have been effective ways of communicating ideas.

Think of writing like a building muscle. The more you write, the stronger you become. And similar to going to the gym, you'll need to take steroids. In this case, the steroids I'm talking about are alcohol, coffee, and the occasional caffeinated tea. These drinks not only improve your concentration, but they also make you think that your writing is actually good.

The first step toward writing an article or blog post is to think of an idea or subject you want to talk about. For example, I'm writing this blog post not only to impart a bit of my godly wisdom onto lesser beings, but also to make money off it. Whether you want to write a poem for your girlfriend, start writing for your company's blog, or carve a funny quote into a public bathroom wall, you'll need to focus on one main idea.

If your writing is lazy and unfocused, you risk losing the reader's attention. That reminds me, try to avoid random sentences that don't make sense within the context of the piece. After you've chosen what to write about, prepare to write, or as I like to call it, procrastinate. I usually try to put off writing until the last possible minute.

Once you've procrastinated for hours on end,  you'll need to brainstorm and outline what you want to write about. Grab a piece of paper or open up Google Docs and write down a few key points that support your main idea. Don't stop. Write down anything that comes to mind. Let that silent Tourettes roar.

After writing for a vague amount of time, you can begin the editing process. Ask any writer and they'll tell you how important editing is to the final result. For many, that's true, but unlike yourselves, everything I write is gold. I've never edited anything in my life. I've always done things right on the first try. In fact, even before being born, I taught myself how to write by carving the alphabet in my mother's uterus.

And while most of your work will be garbage, some of it will be good. When editing, however, make sure that the first sentence grabs the reader's attention. I often start by writing something insanely offensive to hook the reader. Once I have their attention, I can begin to insult their intelligence by writing half-assed articles about self-improvement. On that note, stay tuned for the second and final installment of "How to Write Better."

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