How to Write Better (Part 2 of 2)

If you want to learn how to write better for business or personal reasons, you've come to the right and only place. As a former marketin...

If you want to learn how to write better for business or personal reasons, you've come to the right and only place. As a former marketing copywriter extraordinaire and overall writing god, I have more than a few insider tips to help you become a less awful writer and maybe even make tons of money off it like me.

On my previous blog post, I was discussing the ever-important editing process. One helpful tip is to share your work with friends and family to receive constructive feedback. I share all my posts with my friends and family. They hate it and cringe as I force them to read every word, but I think that's just their way of showing how much they love it.

When editing your writing, replace any sophisticated and embellished words with simpler ones. There's nothing worse when a budding and haughty wordsmith employs erudite language where an elementary word would suffice. Using one to two syllable words also makes it easier to read and understand your awful writing.

Next, read it out loud. The louder the better. In fact, use a megaphone to ensure every word comes through with clarity and gusto. From personal experience, people will naturally gather around to see what all that noise is about. But among the cursing and verbal aggression hurled at you, you're likely to find a nugget of constructive feedback. If not, you've wasted everyone's time and you'll never get better.

For many, printing their work enables them to visualize it in a different way. So go ahead and print that 10,000 page manuscript, Mother Earth be damned. Use an entire page for every paragraph. That's what I do. After printing, read your work backwards. Reading each paragraph from end to beginning forces you to pay attention to every word. You know what else works? Adderall.

Use any mind-altering drug at your disposal. I prefer a cocktail of absinthe, sake, and Everclear.  The greatest writers in history have abused substances as an escape from the reality of how bad their writing was. When drunk, for example, everything is better. Bankruptcy? Shmankruptcy. Unemployed? Schmunemployed.

After hours of painstaking rewrites you'll finally feel comfortable with your written piece. It should be clear and organized. If you're planning on going in to freelance writing, however, here are a few tips. Always make sure the client pays you first. That way, you can just grab the money and skip town.

Also, many so-called writers will tell you to only write what you know. Contrary to popular belief, that advice is a pile of manure, mainly because, let's face it, you don't know anything. The solution? Go out and experience new things so you can have more to write about. You and I both know you could use some excitement in your life, apart from reading this highly entertaining blog post, of course.

Freelance writing isn't for the faint at heart. You have to be ruthless. Don't listen to hack writers who tell you to only write when your inspiration hits. You must write as if your life depended on it. Sometimes, I attach a small homemade bomb to myself a la Speed so that if I stop typing even for a second in a 45-minute period, I explode. Try it.

These tips will not only help you write better ransom notes or manifestos that are criminal in nature, but they'll also make you feel like you're actually a writer. That's the most important part. You have to feel confident that you are a good storyteller, because everyone has a story, not as interesting as mine, but everyone has one and they deserve to tell it.

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