Friends are the worst. They're basically just enemies that ask you to give them rides to the airport. That's why I only have a handf...

Friends are the worst. They're basically just enemies that ask you to give them rides to the airport. That's why I only have a handful of friends. It's all about quality not quantity people. If I'm being honest, though, the worst part about having very few friends is that I still don't have enough time for myself. Despite my misanthropic tendencies, I've developed a few fool-proof techniques to meet people, gain their trust, and eventually turn good friends into the best of friends, albeit, for selfish reasons.

good friends

Meeting New People

When meeting new people, try to guide the conversation toward their interests instead of your own. This technique has done wonders for me. That's why I always make sure to ask new acquaintances tons of questions about what they think of my interests. Additionally, whenever I meet a new person, I treat them like I would like to be treated. In fact, I give myself a mental note to always treat good friends like I treated my first pet dog, I put them down. Once they get past the insults, they realize that I'm a really nice guy. With some people, however, you will instantly know that they will be a toxic addition to your life. That's why I removed all vegans and feminists from my clique.

Hanging Out

I'll admit, I'm a very hard person to reach by phone or text. My friends are always trying to ask me to hang out. That's why I always make time once a month to meet up with them to tell them to stop texting me. Honesty is very important in a friendship. When I do go hang out with them, I follow a few simple rules. First, never ditch your friend in order to hook up with someone. The only caveat is if your friend gives you the go-ahead with a vague and cryptic text that reads, "are you ready to leave?" Having a significant other also reduces the amount of time you can spend with your friends. So, instead of spending all your time having sex with your girlfriend, why not plan a group hangout, like an orgy? That's good fun for the whole gang.

Conflict Resolution

Negative emotions will inevitably rise up throughout the course of your friendship. Always try to be the bigger person. For example, I never get jealous or envious when my friends are better than me at something. That never happens. Sometimes, however, your friend will do something that annoys you beyond belief. For example, one of my best friends is left-handed and recently pitched a no-hitter with his right hand. He's so indecisive. And sometimes your friends will get mad at you for no reason. The only thing that I found that works in this situation is to give them some space. For example, I haven't talked to my friend this entire week. That makes 58 weeks straight.

Ultimately, you want to be the person who always knows what to say when a friend comes to you for advice. In my circle of friends, that person is me. I always say the same thing whenever someone asks me for advice, "Google it." With these simple tips, you too can pretend to like people and develop some lasting relationships. Friendships are forever and can last a lifetime, unfortunately.

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