Girlfriend Appreciation Post

The way I see it, a romantic relationship is basically a two-person cult and I've already chugged the entire Kool-aid keg. You probab...


The way I see it, a romantic relationship is basically a two-person cult and I've already chugged the entire Kool-aid keg. You probably think I'm joking about the ritual suicide, but I'm not. My girlfriend is actively trying to poison me. Do you want to know how I know? I marked the level on the bottle. Despite this, I really do appreciate my girlfriend because without her wisdom, I'd be an even worse misogynist.

This relationship isn't at all like my last relationship. In my last relationship, I was the one who had to initiate all of the times my girlfriend and I had sex, all because she would say no or was asleep. She was also obsessed with taking selfies, especially when it was photographic evidence of my domestic abuse.

My lack of instincts for love came from my parents. They told me my birth was a surprise. They never planned to have me. I somehow survived the abortion. My dad walked out on me and my mom when I was three. He would come back shortly after with groceries. It was a common occurence. When it comes to marriage, however, I'm with Republicans. I believe marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman and his mistress.

If you can believe it, I can be quite romantic. For example, I always go out of my way to open the car door for my girlfriend, especially when we're on the freeway. Also, when my girlfriend brought up having a child, I replied with, "That's just legal kidnapping. I'm in!"

My girlfriend is really spiritual and open to mystic forces. For example, the other day we went to a psychic so I could get my palm read. The psychic said I was going to die a very violent death, if I walked out without paying for the reading.

I also love my girlfriend because we think similar things. During one of the Grammys (I just watch it for the commercials) Daft Punk came out to perform. My girlfriend inquired, "Is that even them? How do we know?" With those questions, I fell hard for her. To the point of CTE damage.

Apart from my girlfriend's magnetic and charming personality, she's quite the looker. I'm not a shallow person, by any means, just ask my exes, but my girlfriend is the most beautiful woman in the world. She's even more attractive now that her thighs don't touch, ever since I disembodied her.

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