43 Dark and Absurd Joke Tweets By Yours Truly You'll Regret Reading

1. I'm very good at catching fish with my bare hands at the local fish market. 2. My friend is a narcoleptic. He keeps sleeping du...

1. I'm very good at catching fish with my bare hands at the local fish market.

2. My friend is a narcoleptic. He keeps sleeping during my boring stories.

3. I went to the beach the other day and got sunburned and mauled by a shark.

4. I was bullied as a kid by all the other kids trying to protect the kid I was bullying.

5. I've suffered from mental health issues and phobias my entire life. I remember being in the womb and feeling claustrophobic.

6. I bet the Big Bad Wolf from "The Three Little Pigs" would be a vaper.

7. I need to cut my nails off.

8. Many people tell me they don't think my jokes are funny to which I say, "what jokes?"

9. Never have I ever played Never have I ever.

10. It's a fact that I'm a linguistic genius, arguably.

11. Poison ivy is my spirit plant.

12. "Continue" is my safe word.

13. If someone tells me they've had a near death experience, I don't trust anything else they say. I don't trust people who half-ass things.

14. I've got places to be and people to avoid.

15. The first rule about Fight Club is never talk about Fight Club because you have CTE damage.

16. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and pour it on life's pants so people think it peed itself.

17. I'm 30 and I just started my child acting career. It's never too late to follow your dreams.

18. I was ranting and raving last night but no one could hear me over the EDM music.

19. Funeral homes are where the hearts are

20. I swear too much under oath

21. I always like to be the bigger person every time, so I can pick on the smaller person.

22. My dad was at the top of his class in the class pyramid picture.

23. I don't watch porn anymore. I was tired of scrolling to the end of the video where the guy gets decapitated.

24. My friend tried to kill himself by jumping off a bridge, but a nice old lady saved him by just giving him all her sleeping pills.

25. I've learned that money does not equal happiness. But a lot of money does.

26. I'm a Constitutionalist, which means I believe that we should interpret the Constitution like our racist forefathers did.

27. My parents had to walk 10 miles to and from school every day just because I would always take the car.

28. I would've made it to the big leagues if it wasn't for my bum knee and inability to play baseball.

29. I think it's an injustice that the judicial system puts away innocent people for the crimes I committed.

30. Open casket funerals are so uncomfortable to watch, but I can't get off any other way.

31. I hate pushy salespeople. They're always like "you gotta pay for that" or "I'm calling the police."

32. I don't agree with Republicans on nearly everything, except one thing. I agree that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman and his pregnant mistress.

33. I used to play "Cowboys and Indians" with my neighborhood friends as a kid. A lot of kids died during that time.

34. I'm bad at first impressions and impressions after that.

35. My parents can never see eye to eye without the help of a stool

36. My friend stole my soft drink and that was the last straw.

37. My preferred form of birth control is skinny jeans.

38. I never drive drunk. My drunk alter ego does.

39. If pain is beauty, then why don't we just give all terrorists makeovers to get information?

40. People think I'm a creep just because I stare for too long through the peephole.

41. Here's a math question: If I have five apples and my friend steals two apples from me, how many apples do I have left to pelt him with?

42. Why does whoop ass always have to be canned? I think it's better from a glass bottle.

43. Going on a hunger strike against bulimia and anorexia.

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